Falling on My Knees

Written by Ivy | 02 February 2011

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.”
~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Kathryn Scott's voice faded away as I knelt on the floor desperately trying to fight back tears.

I was in a room half-filled with fellow worship leaders. It was a time at the Seminars4Worship Conference known as the soaking session - a time for the leaders of the church to stop working, stop planning, stop thinking and just soak in God's presence. Each person took their own little space in the room and began their own little journey with God.

Kathryn Scott and Brian Doerksen blended into the instruments and sound equipment on the stage trying not to perform or draw attention to themselves. They sang praises to God, prayed, let scripture fill the room.

Slowly, Kathryn sang.

"I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me. Jesus you're all my heart is searching for."

With those words, I no longer focused on making the tears stop.

"Why God?" I whispered under my breath. "Why?"

At that moment, I was facing a fork in the road in my journey as a worship leader. God was beginning to lay a hefty load in front of me, and I wasn't ready.

All I could do in that moment was ask "why?"

The past year of my life had been a whirlwind. I was thrown into being a worship leader at a small transitioning church. I had grown more in those 12 months than I had in my entire life leading up to that point. I was learning who God really was and who I was in him.

I also spent the last year looking back at the bad decisions I had made and the compromises that kept me from God's plan for my life.

The truth was I wasn't good enough to be in this room sharing this experience with these amazing Christian leaders. I wasn't good enough to be at this moment of decision making. I wasn't good enough to come to the throne of God and ask for an explanation.

"Why? Why me?" I asked through tears.

I don't know if anyone could hear me. I honestly didn't care. Even though there were dozens of other people in the room, I felt alone. At that moment, it was me and God and the beginning of something I knew was too big for me.

"You said I could use you." It came as a whisper in my mind, but hit like a brick.

"I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me."

How true those words were as a sat on my knees in front of a stage crying my eyes out.

It was a moment of utter self-abandonment. A moment when I realized I had surpassed what I alone was capable of in this life. A moment when I realized the circumstances I faced were more than I could handle.

This was bigger than me. This was too big for me.

"God, I can't. I can't do this." I cried silently.

I wiped my tears, opened my eyes, looked around the room and heard another whisper in my mind.

"Who said you were doing this alone?"